Saturday, 25 June 2011

Man, I feel like a Woman!

Yesterday for the first time in what can be nearly a decade I had a LONG lunch with some really lovely women.  No kids, just women, wine, pasta and tiramisu and lots of sex talk!

It really was a total "corker" of a day, Im not sure if I was overfriendly or overchatty, but for the first time in ages I had no pain in my jaw, no indigestion nothing, I felt fairly relaxed with great food, great people and I felt for the first time that Id met out of complete strangers some friends.  Just to be able to eat a meal without stopping halfway through to change a nappy, or perhaps go to the toilet without someone screaming at me or climbing all over me made such a difference. 

The only blip in the day came at the end as four of us were travelling home.  It was rush hour, and Oxford Circus was total MANIC.  If anyone reading this who knows me is probably aware that me and crowds do NOT mix.  The strange thing was that 2 decades ago I used to make the trip from Regent Street to Charing Cross via bus without a problem, and then when I'd changed jobs from Covent Garden to Charing Cross. I walked, ok so I have a bit of a problem with the Underground in rush hour. 

Anyway back to the "blip" we were piling down the stairs onto the underground, I was pushed, shoved, smacked in the shoulder and arms a few times by commuters and I was trying to walk slowly to stay with Doris, Heather and Suki, by the time we got to Kings Cross I was starting to feel decidedly ill, and walking from the underground to the St Pancras I was assaulted by smells from my past, and the heat from it all, jostled and a couple of times felt queasy.  I wasnt sure if it was the wine, but as Id eaten quite a bit I didnt feel drunk.  Then the worst thing of all happened.  That horrible, horrible feeling of knowing you are going to be ill and there are no toilets anywhere near.  Luckily Suki noticed what was going on and we found a toilet.  Five mins nothing but the cramps were still there.  We tried to get on the train but the tickets we had purchased didnt let us on till after 6.30.  So my darling friend had a great idea of going to the Champagne bar.  So off we went to the Champagne bar.  Doris, Heather and Suki had these really gorgeous cocktails with elderflower, lychee and champagne (my favourite of all drinks) and I sat there with the tail end of an anxiety attack tears flowing down my face, worried that if id had some I would feel worse.

We finally made it onto the train and after availing myself of the facilities there I felt so much better.  Matt had been worried as we hadnt been in touch and when he met us at the station I pretty much flew into his arms so glad to be home and safe. 

I realised last night that London although a wonderful wonderful place, really isnt the place for me. It is too busy, crowded and from watching people being busy and getting on with their lives made me realise that I love my home, my manic family and I am indeed a lucky lucky woman.  I was able for one day to be me and have a taste of what life could hold for me in the future.

The one thing I will definately try and avoid from now is rush hour! 

Monday, 20 June 2011

Time Friend or Foe?

I haven't blogged for a while and while mainly I could use the excuse I have been really busy, that isnt the real reason, the real reason is that I am a reader NOT a writer.  I have ideas but seem to have a block from mind to screen.

Anyway back to the title  and reason  for this blog.  The last few days certain songs and poems have been going around in my head, the song from a programme Chigley I watched when I was a kid "Time flies by when you're a driver on a train, and I ride on the footplate there and back again" and also a poem by W.H Davies here it is:

W. H. Davies


WHAT is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?—

No time to stand beneath the boughs,
And stare as long as sheep and cows:

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass:

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night:

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance:

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began?

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare

There are several "Big" things in my life that are happening this year.  My eldest children are 20, 19 and 17, my friend is due to have a baby in August, and also I hit a milestone of 40 on the 12th August with my husbands and I's church blessing happening on the 27th August.  To top it all off, Matt is 50 on the 18th September so a busy busy year with lots of milestones!

This I think is the problem.  Time for me is going so quickly I feel that I am standing still and everything is whooshing past and I want to grab hold of it and just slow time down and try and enjoy moments rather than dread them.    Early this year I looked forward so much to the Royal Wedding and I loved it, again it went past in a blur.

When I look at photographs of my oldest children as babies it is amazing that what seems like in the blink of an eye, 20 years has gone by.  Perhaps I'm just dwelling on things and not being "in" the moment is not as important as enjoying life and the little moments like Spud marching and saluting to Trooping of the Colour or doing "Kung Foo" with a hair brush while attacking the tv when Kung Foo Panda was on Saturday night,  we have many moments of wonderfulness with Adam and Amy too, and when we all as a family have a laugh and joke, well it makes life here just amazing.

I think sometimes the challenges and obstacles of daily life are overshadowing the fleeting glimpses of joy that happens in each day.  I admit I deeply miss the children that do not live with me and love them so very much.  Looking at old photographs of my parents it is for me hard to understand that in the photographs they are so much younger than I am now, but they seem older than I am, if that makes any sense.

A very close friend today told me that we are who we are and just enjoy being yourself!

So I think I will try!