Ho Ho its December

Goodbye November and the manicdom that was Nano, Greetings December and here comes Christmas!

I tried with Nano, and to my shock I managed 31K.  I was really enjoying writing, until the last week.  I was in a routine with the writing, and then two of my children fell ill, followed by me.  I am still suffering from a sinus infection which is really really painful.  So, on the advice of hubby, I took a break, and subsequently bought out the charity shops of their M&B Temptations.  This has now led to a slight issue of the fact I have filled up my shelf, read pretty much all of them and am itching to get more. 

Reading the old Temptation line was like going back into my own reading past.  They were the first line as a preteen I read, thanks to my Nan.  I used to sneak into her spare bedroom where they were piled on the dryer and in bags on the floor, lay on the bed and just read them.  I have been buying a few of the ones I remember from Amazon and they take pride of place on my bedside cabinet.  I re read them frequently. 

I seem to be the same with my reading, the way I am with music.  I have to be in "the frame of mind" to listen to certain music and its the same with reading.  With Temptation, even if the kids are messing around, I can just pick it up and read it.  With erotica and paranormal stuff, then I have to be "on my own" so to speak, and in the right frame of mind.  Trying to read very hot material with kids and i carly or fireman sam on in the background, puts me off.  Again its the same when writing.  I need peace and quiet.  Hearing a "mum, or Manda" stops me in my stride, and gets very very frustrating.

What I have written so far, Im loving lots.  It may not appeal to everyone, but when it is finished, well I would have accomplished something.  I feel its very much on the line of the Temptation novels.  Its a shame that they stopped publishing the line. 

I shall leave you with a small excerpt of my work in progress.  Remember though this has not been edited yet and it is still very very rough.

Without saying a word, by Robyn Ward

"Go upstairs and have a long soak in the bath" he ordered her. Laura still looked fairly pale from her headache and she felt bone weary. "I'll bring you up a hot chocolate" Rhean told her. She went up the stairs compliantly, she ran her bath and put in lavender oil to try and help her relax. Laying down in the hot water, bubbles surrounding her body, she started to feel the tension leave it. Laura closed her eyes. She saw Rhean's image. He was naked from the waist down. Laura imagined how it would feel to have the dark crisp curls against her soft breasts, to run her hand through them and tug gently. How it would feel for him to touch her in a more intimate way. His mouth kissing and suckling gently on her breasts. Laura could feel her nipples peak and a pooling of her own heat between her thighs. She sighed out loud at the images in her mind. There was a knock at the bathroom door. Laura barely had time to spread the bubbles around her body before Rhean came in. He was carrying a steaming mug, but stopped dead. His heated gaze ran over her body that was exposed. Laying in the bath Laura looked sultry and sensual . The bubbles that she tried to cover her body with, biddened him towards her. Enticing him. She looked him in the eyes. Rhean could see she was very aroused and it was all he could do not to rip his clothes off and get in the bath with her. He cleared his throat in a gruff manner, then put the mug on the stand near the bath.
"Hmm.....aaah...ahem" Rhean had trouble speaking "there's your hot chocolate" he said quickly and left the bathroom. Laura smiled broadly, glad that she had such an effect on him.
Rhean leant back against the wall, his chest was pounding, as was a certain part of his anatomy. He saw the cat come upstairs and sit down in front of him. Tubs looked up at Rhean in the disdainful manner that cats had perfected. Then started licking himself.
"It's ok for you Tubs, you've been done" he muttered. Breathing heavily and trying to regain some control over his body seemed to take ages for Rhean. "I swear that woman is going to turn me into a bloody eunuch" he cursed and went downstairs. He heard the telephone ringing, then rushed to answer it.
"Hello?" he said as he picked up the receiver.
"Is that you Rhean?" said a familiar voice, "It's Maisie" there was an anxious tone in her voice.
"What's up Maisie?" Rhean said immediately concerned, prickles of ice went up his spine.
"Look, I don't want mum to know, but Aunt Alice has been round today, and I overheard some stuff" she said in a rushed voice
"Such as?" his voice hardened. "Maisie, I cant do anything if I don't know what's going on" he said
"I overheard Aunt Alice saying that she lost the baby, and that dad's furious with her" Maisie sounded like she had been crying. "she also said something about dad wanting us back to live with him.....Rhean?....are you there?"
"I'm here" he said "Maisie, I will sort this out, please don't worry" he tried to calm her down, inside his heart was pounding and his protective instinct was making its long awaited emergance.
"If I tell Theo or James they will go ape" Maisie explained. "You won't let Dad take us will you?" she sounded like a little girl instead of the fifteen year old, confident young woman she was.
"You can trust me Maisie. Everything will be ok" Rhean reassurred her in the calmest voice he could muster. Underneath he was simmering with rage, "trust me Maisie, nothing will happen to any of you" he stated in a firm voice. He heard Maisie sniff. "come on sweetie, please. Let me deal with all this"
"Ok Rhean, I'd better go. Gran will be here in a mo" she sniffed again. "Bye Rhean, see you tomorrow"
"See you tomorrow Maisie. Stay calm ok" it was getting difficult to talk as Rhean was trying to calm down himself "bye" he said and hung up the phone.
Walking around the living room a few times and squeezing and releasing his fists a few times helped with the tension. It felt like nothing compared to the thought of seeing Laura and her children threatened. He went to the cabinet in the corner and helped himself to a glass of irish whiskey. It slid down his throat with welcoming heat. He closed his eyes and willed himself to relax before Laura came downstairs. Looking at the time, he realised that they hadn't done anything about dinner. He picked up the telephone and ordered in a takeaway.
As Rhean was getting the plates and silverwear out ready for their meal, Laura tiptoed downstairs. She felt so much better now, and her 'naughty' side had emerged. Dressed in a lilac satin bathrobe, with cream short pajamas underneath, Rhean's hot gaze on her in the bath was her undoing. She smiled to herself as she saw him swallow down a glass of amber liquid. He heard her try and tiptoe across the room. Laura cocked her head to one side.
"What's wrong?" she asked. He was all antsy for some reason.
"Nothing" Rhean replied hurriedly. "do you want a glass of wine?" he picked up the bottle. Laura nodded, and Rhean poured the ruby red liquid into a wine glass. Laura sipped it and smiled up at him in a flirty way. Rhean didn't respond. He had another glass of whisky and then sat down. He patted the seat next to him, so Laura sat down and curled up next to him.
"What's for dinner?" she asked. Rhean thought for a moment,
"Oh......Chinese, its being delivered" he replied sounding distracted. Laura was concerned. She hadn't seen Rhean like this before.
"Are you ok?" she pressed. "what's wrong, you seem very tense and not here" Rhean turned to face Laura. She looked so delectable in her robe, and precious little else. He smiled at her and pulled her into his arms.
"I'm fine" he tried to reassure her.
"Really?, you dont seem it" she countered
"I'm, fine, I'm relaxed, I'm chilling" he said with a smile. For some reason Laura didn't quite believe him.
"I've seen corpses more relaxed than you" she muttered. Rhean burst out laughing.
"When have you ever seen a corpse?" he was still chuckling at that comment. Laura pointed to the television.
"On the tv" she said in quiet voice. Rhean gathered Laura into his arms and held her tight
"Oh I do love you so much Laura" he sighed and kissed the top of her head.
"When will the food be here?" she said in a muffled voice
"I think we have time" he replied and kissed her thoroughly. He pressed her back onto the sofa, his kisses becoming more and more demanding. He gave, she took and then gave back. His hands moved down and cupped her soft breasts through the soft satin. Laura's hands roamed over Rhean's shirt, frustrated she pulled it apart and heard it rip. There, she had access to his chest. Oh that strong muscular chest, covered with thick dark curls. Her hands entwined through them and she tugged gently around his nipple. He groaned in his throat, and pressed his groin down onto hers mimicking full intimacy. His mouth trailed from hers down her throat, nibbling, suckling until he came to her breast. He felt the nipple harden and plucked with his fingers. Bringing it to a point, his mouth opened around it through her clothing. He sucked gently and nibbled the tip with his teeth. Laura buckled underneath him, she writhed and and squirmed, wanting him, needing so much more. Laura could feel him straining through his jeans. Her hand moved further down and she cupped him and squeezed gently. He threw his head back, cried her name out loud and then she felt him pulsate in her hand, there was a warm dampness. Rhean moved away and put his head on his hands. Laura put her arms around his body and held him tight.
"It's ok" Laura told him. "I understand" Rhean looked at her. His face was flushed red from embarrassment as well as passion.
Just as Rhean was about to reply, there was a loud knock at the door.
"That will be the chinese" he said, and reached into his pocket for the money. "Could you get it Laura, I dont think I'm in any condition to see anyone" he said wryly. She smiled, took the money, and grabbing her large coat, put it round her before opening the door. Rhean rushed upstairs to wash and change.
She was dishing up their meal when she felt a pair of strong arms around her, and warm kisses on the back of her neck. Smiling she leaned back allowing Rhean better access.
"Careful, don't distract me, you may end up with less balls" she joked. He turned her round.
"Are you disappointed in me?" Rhean had to know.
"No, dont be silly" she replied, putting a hand up to stroke his strong jaw. He turned and pressed a kiss into the palm, "it was wonderful, and I'm glad you found me attractive enough to relax and let yourself go around me" she said gently. Using a chopstick, she picked up one of the chicken balls and placed it into his mouth. Laura reached up and kissed his cheek.
Later that evening, when they had eaten and washed up, Laura and Rhean went upstairs and watched a film together, or rather Rhean did. He looked at her sleeping, and an idea came into his head. He switched the television off and thought "to hell with it". Rhean slid under the covers and snuggled up to Lauras soft warm body. With the idea still fresh in his mind, and his arms around the woman he loved, Rhean fell deeply asleep."

copywrite Robyn ward.

Keep it kooky xxxxxxxxxxxxx

No no Nano!

This November I am going to try and attempt Nano, which is National Novel Writing Month.  Basically 50 THOUSAND words in a month.  I have written my first chapter and because this is fiction, I am finding it very hard work.  Added to the fun and games of my toddler son using my computer a lot to watch Power Rangers or Peppa Pig etc.

However, what I am writing is actually very difficult.  My heroine suffers from depression, and as such finds life such a battle.  This could be anyone in the street.  Everyone is different and copes with their own problems in their own way.  My title: Without Saying a Word pretty much sums up my own experiences of depression and anxiety.  Compared to others I am fairly mild.  I have had therapy but there are days when climbing into bed or just laying on the sofa, not wanting to go out anywhere is still true today.  Sometimes words arent needed.  Its the actions of someone who holds their hand out to you to hold onto.  A hug, a cuddle, a shoulder or a mug of tea says so much more than being told "Get a grip, Pull yourself together, It will be ok, It's all in your mind or the classic,  "there are others worse than you".

I hope that I can continue with Laura and Rhean's story and be able to finish this.  Could be the therapy I have not had yet!

Oh and to add a bit of a twist, Rhean is a younger man and based on David Essex in his much younger sexier days!  He is also the headmaster of the school her children attend, as well as her neighbour. So he has been aware of the changes, and decides to help her.

So there we go.  A blog from the heart and lets hope I can continue as Im rather liking Rhean A LOT!

hugs

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Man, I feel like a Woman!

Yesterday for the first time in what can be nearly a decade I had a LONG lunch with some really lovely women.  No kids, just women, wine, pasta and tiramisu and lots of sex talk!

It really was a total "corker" of a day, Im not sure if I was overfriendly or overchatty, but for the first time in ages I had no pain in my jaw, no indigestion nothing, I felt fairly relaxed with great food, great people and I felt for the first time that Id met out of complete strangers some friends.  Just to be able to eat a meal without stopping halfway through to change a nappy, or perhaps go to the toilet without someone screaming at me or climbing all over me made such a difference. 

The only blip in the day came at the end as four of us were travelling home.  It was rush hour, and Oxford Circus was total MANIC.  If anyone reading this who knows me is probably aware that me and crowds do NOT mix.  The strange thing was that 2 decades ago I used to make the trip from Regent Street to Charing Cross via bus without a problem, and then when I'd changed jobs from Covent Garden to Charing Cross. I walked, ok so I have a bit of a problem with the Underground in rush hour. 

Anyway back to the "blip" we were piling down the stairs onto the underground, I was pushed, shoved, smacked in the shoulder and arms a few times by commuters and I was trying to walk slowly to stay with Doris, Heather and Suki, by the time we got to Kings Cross I was starting to feel decidedly ill, and walking from the underground to the St Pancras I was assaulted by smells from my past, and the heat from it all, jostled and a couple of times felt queasy.  I wasnt sure if it was the wine, but as Id eaten quite a bit I didnt feel drunk.  Then the worst thing of all happened.  That horrible, horrible feeling of knowing you are going to be ill and there are no toilets anywhere near.  Luckily Suki noticed what was going on and we found a toilet.  Five mins nothing but the cramps were still there.  We tried to get on the train but the tickets we had purchased didnt let us on till after 6.30.  So my darling friend had a great idea of going to the Champagne bar.  So off we went to the Champagne bar.  Doris, Heather and Suki had these really gorgeous cocktails with elderflower, lychee and champagne (my favourite of all drinks) and I sat there with the tail end of an anxiety attack tears flowing down my face, worried that if id had some I would feel worse.

We finally made it onto the train and after availing myself of the facilities there I felt so much better.  Matt had been worried as we hadnt been in touch and when he met us at the station I pretty much flew into his arms so glad to be home and safe. 

I realised last night that London although a wonderful wonderful place, really isnt the place for me. It is too busy, crowded and from watching people being busy and getting on with their lives made me realise that I love my home, my manic family and I am indeed a lucky lucky woman.  I was able for one day to be me and have a taste of what life could hold for me in the future.

The one thing I will definately try and avoid from now is rush hour! 

Time Friend or Foe?

I haven't blogged for a while and while mainly I could use the excuse I have been really busy, that isnt the real reason, the real reason is that I am a reader NOT a writer.  I have ideas but seem to have a block from mind to screen.

Anyway back to the title  and reason  for this blog.  The last few days certain songs and poems have been going around in my head, the song from a programme Chigley I watched when I was a kid "Time flies by when you're a driver on a train, and I ride on the footplate there and back again" and also a poem by W.H Davies here it is:

W. H. Davies

Leisure

WHAT is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?—
No time to stand beneath the boughs,
And stare as long as sheep and cows:
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass:
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night:
No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance:
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began?
A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare

There are several "Big" things in my life that are happening this year.  My eldest children are 20, 19 and 17, my friend is due to have a baby in August, and also I hit a milestone of 40 on the 12th August with my husbands and I's church blessing happening on the 27th August.  To top it all off, Matt is 50 on the 18th September so a busy busy year with lots of milestones!

This I think is the problem.  Time for me is going so quickly I feel that I am standing still and everything is whooshing past and I want to grab hold of it and just slow time down and try and enjoy moments rather than dread them.    Early this year I looked forward so much to the Royal Wedding and I loved it, again it went past in a blur.

When I look at photographs of my oldest children as babies it is amazing that what seems like in the blink of an eye, 20 years has gone by.  Perhaps I'm just dwelling on things and not being "in" the moment is not as important as enjoying life and the little moments like Spud marching and saluting to Trooping of the Colour or doing "Kung Foo" with a hair brush while attacking the tv when Kung Foo Panda was on Saturday night,  we have many moments of wonderfulness with Adam and Amy too, and when we all as a family have a laugh and joke, well it makes life here just amazing.

I think sometimes the challenges and obstacles of daily life are overshadowing the fleeting glimpses of joy that happens in each day.  I admit I deeply miss the children that do not live with me and love them so very much.  Looking at old photographs of my parents it is for me hard to understand that in the photographs they are so much younger than I am now, but they seem older than I am, if that makes any sense.

A very close friend today told me that we are who we are and just enjoy being yourself!

So I think I will try!

Ive started so Ill finish this time!

Its official, I never finish anything!.  I have started so many projects in my nearly 40 years from Open University courses to knitting, from weightwatchers to Slimming World and have never seen it through to the end, and I feel like a total failure. 3 marriages and 7 children, one of whom is in care well thats the icing on the cake.

I admit I have no willpower or stamina.  I have lots of enthusiasm to the point of obsessiveness about the project and then when I start it for some reason it all seems to peter out.  Never figured out why and to be honest as I type this Im hounded by my children asking me questions and arguing with each other.  I woke up with the lurgey and lack of voice this morning so tempers are fairly frayed, especially when trying to communicate with loud children who cant hear my gravelly strain of a voice!

I have noticed in the past few weeks exactly how tied I am to technology.  My computer goes on first thing in the morning as does my mobile phone.  Last nights fun and games was an excellent example of how we can become involved with something that was invented as a "tool" to help us instead, at home here, matt and I have become dependent on the computer which at certain times is a bad thing.

So I have made this decision.  Over the period of Lent, which starts on Tuesday March 8th, I am going to pull the plug on my computer AND put away my mobile telephone for 40 days.  I have a perfectly good telephone with answering machine which is very rarely used these days.  So if anyone reading this needs to get in touch with me, then there are two ways of doing so.  Using the home telephone or calling round!

I say I am going to TRY this for 40 days.  It is important to me as last night Matt and I worked badly with me feeling resentful towards him as he was constantly tapping away on his computer while I was trying to deal with our daughter who was refusing to go to bed whilst feeling very lousy and voice was going.  It was after 15 minutes of tapping away and hearing him swear under his breath that he pulled away and dealt with her.

How can I condone his behavour when I am now doing it on here. 

So there we go, that is my decision, and I will try and stick to 40 days living without a computer or mobile telephone.

Wish me luck.  I am hoping that during this time my relationship with my children could improve and perhaps I may even get round to doing a few tasks around the house that have been left for many months.

Hugs to you all

manda xxxx